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Does this make me a Born Again? A.k.a. RevolutionBEATS

22 Nov

I spent a great deal of my life making sure everyone knew I was fine. Everything was great.

Don worry abaout-et.

 I got hit by a car when I was six because I wasn’t paying attention outside of the church my family and I sometimes went to (for ten minutes or so before midnight mass on Easter—for the cheap thrills of fireworks and that cool candle lighting ceremony that happens). Except this time I was alone and I was walking home. My leg was bleeding, it wasn’t that serious, but the dude that worked at the church was very concerned. The only thing I said to him was “don’t tell my parents about this” and I treated him like he had done something wrong.

I was angry.

Not that I got hit by a car, but because I was seen getting hit by a car. And I wanted to make sure no one else found out about it.

Especially my parents.

This was my nature. I did this with everything you could possibly ever think of. I was such an angry child and it seemed with each person I came into contact with through the years my anger grew greater and more vicious. You always hear about how people try to be courageous or brave and try to mask their insecurities and fears, never knowing that what’s braver and more courageous is the act of expressing and losing sight of consequence.

For example, here are a few things that I got scared of:

Stagnancy and complacency, interacting with someone who refuses to like me (an uncommon occurrence really), that the people I love will get hurt, that I will end up alone and unloved. Expressing that I sometimes feel unlovable: too ugly or too fat to love. Or perhaps the underlying theme of it all: that I am unworthy of my greatest dreams, for whatever reason I decided once when I was a toddler or whenever you pick up yo crazy.

 Writing these things out makes them seem so silly.

Writing them publicly in your blog makes them sound insane.

 This is what Brenee  Brown, and so many others she has drawn from, means when she says vulnerability is strength. What happens when you transcend your neuroses is that you derive knowledge and love from them.

You understand better. You have more courage.

 How nice it is to wake up from a reality and realize it wasn’t real. It was basically a dream. It was never true, it wasn’t based on truth. You live your whole life believing an illusion about yourself until you don’t and all of a sudden you’re light, free and happy about the world and you’re finally ready to inherit it.

I’m hoping that someone who’s ready to read this will come across and become inspired to fearlessly look into their lives, their choices, their minds, their reactions and feelings and to have the courage to understand that they couldn’t be more beautiful or worthy of all the gifts that are so freely available to us in life.



Also, this is what Charlie Chaplin looks like without makeup on:


The theme is: Vegan

11 Nov

I was having a conversation recently with this girl I’m friends with In Real Life. About being vegans.

Just a couple of vegans (kinda) talking about being vegans.

I’ve thought about this and I don’t think that vegans talk especially extensively about being vegan as humans generally just talk about food a lot. But since being vegan has become so polarized lately, those that fall on the less than favorable reception of vegans notice all the self glorifying talk of greens and sacrifice and martyrdom because they just don’t like the idea of anyone eluding that they are wrong in one of their most basic, most personal choices they can make as humans:

What they eat.

Which is understandable.

And funny because then vegans walk around being all “why is everyone so mean to me” but really it’s because by being vegan you are inadvertently making a statement about the “other”  people who aren’t making such an obvious choice to refrain from meat. Should vegans keep their veganism a secret? Should they not participate in one of the human race‘s greatest fascination of food and what kinds of things to do to it!

Should they not rejoice in the delight of talking to others about what they eat? I will say that I feel vegans do derive joy from sharing a discussion on their food choices with non vegans. But the way I feel about it is, if you have the stamina to maintain such a lifestyle, then you should by all means gloat about it.

Gloat away!

Obviously, treating vegans unfairly would be silly, we are all equals here and all have a right to their opinion. Democracy! Fraternity! Plus vegans need to get over it and the idea that you need other people to agree with your choices just like everybody else. If you want support with your issues, talk to other vegans.

You can’t change anyone’s mind with self-righteousness.

We came up with a list of things that prove we (as vegans (or aspiring vegans <–that one’s me) ) are right and others (devil meat eaters who are basically bad people) are wrong. Just in case some people out there are unclear, here it is:

1. It’s like those people that say the Holocaust never happened!

Seriously how many findings and long, arduous nutritional studies and experiments need to come out that confirm most of our known lifestyle diseases (heart disease, diabetes, cancer, the other one’s I don’t remember the name of… ) are perpetuated by consumption of processed and animal products before the general human population will actually believe that they are saying the truth and aren’t just neo-food-nazi propaganda fascist LIARS that are creating untrue stories for the benefit of sickly self-righteous deluded vegans.

These findings are real, truthful and sincere. It isn’t a farce. It isn’t made up. Where do I get protein from? Everywhere else. I could eat a leaf from a tree in the common and get protein from it (I don’t actually know if that’s true). Are we done with that question forever yet? Calcium? Do you even understand how many things have calcium in them? So many things have calcium in them… how much milk do you even drink?

2. It’s like those people that are like “I’m going to bikram yoga tomorrow! JKJKJKJKJK….”

Then there’s those out there that do recognize that these findings are true and this isn’t a huge ploy like that Al Gore guy who keeps talking about the planet MELTING?! (wtf right?)

… which actually narrows it down quite a bit: People who looooove being healthy but are addicted to opiates cheese (the whole cheese being addictive thing affects a lot of people… most of them think that’s a lie too) so they keep trying to be vegan but fail because their desires for animal products are too strong to battle their laziness and lack or originality/planning (I live in this category when I’m not being “vegan”. Or they haven’t read Skinny Bitch yet.

I have.

3. This is secretly the most important factor, don’t let number ranking fool you.

I don’t know that people really understand the benefits: You will look younger. That means you don’t need to save for plastic surgery when you’re rich and old! Your skin’s elasticity greatly improves. Basically every part of your physiology gets healthier (that’s why it cures all those deceases we mentioned in #1. Duh.).

Oh yeah. Being vegan makes you thin…

4. Death and Destruction.

The animals suffering thing… is kind of a factor. Considering how messed up that gets. Basically the cruelty rivals the treatment feuding African war torn nations inflect on each other. Which is pretty bad, in general. Actually, I would say it’s a combination of that and the Holocaust (again with the Holocaust…). It’s basically a dysfunctional, unsustainable, endlessly destructive tornado of suffering, chaos and inhumanity. Since we are doing these things to animals, I think people feel like it doesn’t count. But if you’re severing limbs, genitally mutilating and sexually mistreating (in the billions), does whether you do it to an animal or a person matter?

No. The answer is no.

And that’s because doing these things is fucked up in general.

And I mean I get it. I really do.

Who wants to worry about the animals? That’s heavy. Let’s not. I don’t want to think about the sad stories about animals suffering just like I don’t really want to talk about the horrors of Africa or Typhoon Haiyan or all the other things that are going on in the world that have nothing to do with me in any way because we aren’t all connected at all and my decisions don’t affect a global scale because I am so small and the world is so big! What butterfly flapped it’s wings where?

I didn’t feel a thing.

Friends not food. 

JU Get ET? Tao. Pow. Love.

23 Jul


I mean… Yes.

I’ve done the Forum and the Advanced Course which are two seminars provided by Landmark (in exchange for money) and I feel pretty good. It was like an integration, communication overhaul.

I’ve learned the following things about myself:

  • I’m a lot more selfish (entitled, manipulative, self absorbed—but you already gathered that last one) than I thought I was (and I already had come to terms with the very consoling belief that “we are all selfish to a degree, OBV”)
  • I don’t listen and I never have because I’m so busy talking
  • I assumingly enter situations thinking I already know how things will go, and oftentimes the mind points to a negative resolution because fear of failure is always present and indulged, somewhat religiously
  • I would be more capable of manifesting the things I want in my life if it weren’t for the many shackles of the past I choose to carry around with me

That last one is pretty abstract and I get that… but if we think about kids, and how smart they usually are, we can start to see that if we embodied their same craving for curiosity and unabashed expression of spirit, we would realize a potential that frequently remains untapped. I know this isn’t a groundbreaking concept, but it is one worth exploring. Each of us can be invited to entertain how they might perceive the world if they had this fresh pair of eyes, which, in many ways is far more liberating than our tired, cautious eyes would ever allow us to be.

 Kids serve as such an excellent example. They don’t know anything. Sort of… and we foolishly believe that because we teach them the ways of the world, that they act as vessels which we fill with the knowledge we possess. Things like what’s appropriate according to societal convention, what to be careful of, what to fear and what to protect yourself from. Then we try and teach them good stuff too, like what kind of pursuit will turn the odds in your favor and what it means to embody the higher ideals of grace, honor, strength and courage.

 And what’s too bad is these higher ideals mean different things to different people.

 I think we’ll be talking about things like this for a while, there is so much to say. But lets not be sad for this moment of sobriety. Instead we rejoice, for all the expansion, exploration and expression to come!


Sabbatical & Boston Marathon 2013

15 Apr


I’m sorry, I know you must have missed me. I’m assuming.

I don’t have any answers, just excuses. Most of which I tell myself and friends that remember to ask about why I’ve stopped writing in this. But the thing about things like this is writing everyday or a couple times a week or whatever is nice for the brain, and I’ve been letting mine atrophy.

Plus I kind of liked the idea of beginning again a year after I stopped, just to be ceremonial about it. Maybe I’ll be able to see the life experience show between the words. The wisdom and growth acquired during the past year has certainly led me closer


to my sage-like destiny (probably) and I’m happy to continue making observations about my corner of the world. And my gray hairs, I’ve found two. Again, it’s the wisdom, it’s physical manifestation is unnerving. Is there such a thing as getting too wise too quick?

Let’s just take a moment to acknowledge my past follies in expressing distaste for runners, because I just finished reading my last post and I’ve been influenced by today’s events downtown at the marathon. I’m okay with runners. Seriously, do your thing guys. My knees can’t handle that kind of pressure, but that doesn’t mean I have to bring everyone else down, and I know that.

The nice thing about mass tragedy and disaster is how people come together in the face of turmoil to support and extend their love to one another. Seriously, truth.I got so many nice messages from friends making sure I was ok and I felt real concern for everyone I knew was downtown. Obviously opening the discussion to the downside of everything that happened today is too perturbing and savage to even attempt (plus my writing isn’t good enough for that kind of sentiment), so I’ll let that go because basically all anyone really can say about it is that it sucks and it’s really sad.

Thanks for reading!

And remember:

1. I like runners.

2. You don’t have to miss me anymore.

3. The sun will come out tomorrow!

Love you.


Decay of Summer

21 Sep

I love fall. Unfortunately, this thing I love destroys months worth of summer labor.

My garden is freezing, which is sad for me.

I’ve decided to collect a few pictures of the loss and deterioration that’s ensuing. Though I’d rather not remember it this way.


Basil has been planted everywhere. Everywhere.



Various yellowing tomato plants.




Kitty is taking in his last few breaths of verdant tranquility.

He isn’t happy about it either.




Cucumber or squash. I can’t tell anymore.


Apple Tree


Paillettes Prada Fall 2011 and Time’s Cruel Nature

5 Sep

I just got the September issue of Vogue late since my subscription ran out and it’s already September 5th! I exclaim not because I am reading my magazine later than usual, this I’m okay with, it’s the uncharacteristic, surreal speed of time passing which has left me confused and unsettled.

How fleeting time is, how fleeting summer is. Even the morning goes in the blink of an eye. I’ve been making an effort to wake up earlier to maximize on time. Most days I’m up at 7:30 or 8 and before I know it, it’s noon. When I was younger, the summer seemed to last forever. Forever. Six hours felt like an eternity. My vagabond friends and I would go on day long expeditions and we would literally spend our time just walking around the streets, amusing ourselves with anything remotely interesting and free. We had no money and a billion hours to spend.

Summer felt like an entire year.

Being older, having money and having a car has actually just made it easier to do more stuff. More stuff I don’t actually want to do but have to. Or have been asked to do. It makes it easier to have more possibilities with which to exhaust the day. Usually I overbook and render myself late. For everything. And this only means I have come to the mercy of time.

The time gods are laughing at me.
Kali, the mean Hindi goddess, I mean the meanest one, is the goddess of time. As it turns out. I only know this because I just googled “God of Time” and the following picture came up.

She’s terrifying.


That was essentially a tangent, what I did want to show you was the delightful Paillette dresses in Prada’s Fall 2011 Ready-to-wear. They’re beautiful. Paillettes are huge sequins that look remarkably like fish scales. The first is my favorite. I don’t like the boots. Actually I hate all the footwear in this collection. But that’s a preferential thing, I just don’t ever see why anyone needs to wear colored knee high boots. I kind of like the ones with the anklet, but, you know, they’re still colored…






Hurricane Irene

29 Aug


There’s nothing like being heartbroken and mad that someone you really didn’t want to leave does and goes to New York. Forever. And then having a hurricane named after you. A highly publicized hurricane that’s all over the radio, news and internet. So glorious it is to know that my name was constantly repeated for those that are tormented by my vibrant memory.

All in all though, the hurricane was a real let down. I wanted mass HYSTERIA. You know, if mass hysteria was going to ensue, I would prefer that it do so under my name. Who wouldn’t. Am I right?

No, why would you ever want any type of mass hysteria tied to you in any way. Right, but even so, little bursts of natural destruction like this are an economic gift. And it happened on a Sunday! What luck! 10 billion in damage costs! Most damages are covered under insurance! Sure the city has to worry about going over budget (because it undoubtedly did), but in a nutshell, I’d say Irene was in many ways a success. It’d be very interesting to see some sort of cost/benefit for this. Not to get all “freakanomics”.

Speaking of, I wonder if there’s anywhere I can buy a T-shirt…

Let’s not get down and out by this, it’s going to keep happening. More hurricanes, more earthquakes, more tsunamis and nor’easterns and lava explosions.

What a fascinating time!


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